“Change is as good as a holiday,” that’s what they say and it rings in my head this morning as my alarm bell.
But if someone said to me a few years ago that I would be in tropical Queensland, enjoying nature everyday and singing with joy I would have laughed at them.
Actually I wouldn’t have laughed at all because I was so severely depressed I could barely move.
I read back my old diaries sometimes, everything I’ve kept from middle school until now about the pain I endured, I was always so sensitive to everybody and everything around me that I took everything personally or worried what people were saying about me.
That worry and pain still lingers sometimes and it’s in the back of my mind. But I’ve accepted that it will just stay there and instead of getting frustrated and upset asking, “why, why, why can’t I just be normal!”
I’ve learnt to let fear go and combat those feelings.
I read so much and practiced so much silence and patience to get here. I manifested a lot of positivity and had to rewire my brain out of it’s darkness.
It’s my birthday this week, I’m turning 26 and although I feel like I haven’t achieved anything I know that I have. And I know that I’m just putting too much pressure on myself to become someone I’m not ready to be.
I think that’s true for most people, especially people younger than me. I worry about the young generation being bombarded with endless promotions and sales selling lies while they struggle to buy the truth and shout “LOOK, LOOK AT ME AND MY STUFF.”
But I’m focusing on becoming. Becoming someone different but the same, becoming stronger and kinder and living with more mindfulness.
Taking the time to reflect, write and be mindful (especially in a yoga practice) always helps me so much. I found my little niche of cures by reading and researching myself over and over again.
If I don’t change then nothing changes. And if you don’t change then nothing changes. Everything remains the same, which comforts some people but never me. I get bored too easily and want to run.
Now I want to stop. Too take the time to breathe and walk with no sense of time.
It’s a nice feeling but I know it will pass and I accept that.
I embrace that everything is within my control, every choice I have made has had a consequence that has lead me here, to this very moment.
I just have to move onto the next moment now.
Haley Lauren Smith 